Making Your Gratitude Meaningful​

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Dear Friends,  

 

In 1996, Sarah Ban Breathnach appeared for her first time on the Oprah Winfrey Show to share about her new book, Simple Abundance. I vividly remember that show from almost 30 years ago because it started a movement. That’s when the cult of gratitude-list makers, including me, was officially born.

 

The book was different, inspiring, and it brought people together by creating a community around it, especially the gratitude list. There was a companion Journal of Gratitude and if you didn’t buy one, you were sure to receive one as a gift. It suggested you write down 5 things that you’re grateful for each day. Many overachievers are quick to brag that they list 10 things daily! The ritual has continued long after Sarah fell from grace, and most making their lists haven’t even read her wonderful book.

 

What I’ve noticed recently with myself and others I’ve talked to about their lists, is that no matter how negative our behavior might be that day, we find at least temporary absolution in recounting the day as we find people or circumstances and write, “I’m grateful for…”

 

For me that doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s not enough. It doesn’t feel authentic. Yes, of course, if something bad happens and you can find the positive lesson in it, that’s helpful. I’m talking about the list you make just to make a list, without connecting any action to it. Is that gratitude?

 

I’ve recently challenged myself to express gratitude-in-action instead of simply searching for something—often the easy family, friends, pets—to write down. It’s not easy; it is exhilarating, though, when I do it. Why exhilarating? Because I have to be totally present, I have to be searching for opportunities, and keenly aware when they present themselves. Then, when I act, it’s the best feeling ever!

 

A sample list of mine might be: 
 

• I’m grateful for the kind service I got at the restaurant today and that the server helped me to my car with the takeout.

• I’m grateful for MJ and Tommy (the little boys next door who are like my grandkids) for their cuddles and for making me laugh out loud over silliness.

• I’m grateful for the fact no one was seriously injured when my friend was in an accident that totaled my car.

• I’m grateful for the beautiful Las Vegas sunset (a go-to when I’m forcing gratitude and not taking the time to remember specific situations).

• I’m grateful to earn a good living doing what brings me joy.

 

I could make that list whether I had a fabulous day or if I was depressed or angry all day. My behavior throughout the day wouldn’t necessarily matter. I could have been rude or neutral to the server; maybe I gave her an automatic but meaningless “thank you”; I could still list that because, in retrospect, I was grateful for the service. The fact I was grateful no one was seriously hurt in the accident, even though I cursed all day about the stress and aggravation it was going to cause me, didn’t feel great.

 

When I thought about it that way, it didn’t feel like much of an accomplishment to make a list. It didn’t feel like enough. It almost felt like it was a way to get off the hook on those days I didn’t behave at my highest level. Well, I was angry and thoughtless today, but I’m going to make my gratitude list and get my brownie points! I wanted more and my soul needed more.

 

I began challenging myself to see how I could live in gratitude, minute by minute, situation by situation, opportunity by opportunity.

 

What if after sincerely thanking the server and showing my appreciation with a good tip, I asked her where she would like me to send the positive review I wanted to share about my experience? Would she like me to personally tell the manager or was there a place to write where those important to her would see it? Do they depend on Yelp reviews? And then, once she directs me, what if I don’t leave the parking lot until I send the message? Now, that feels good! Guess what? After writing this article and before sending it, I had the opportunity to follow this suggestion and I can’t tell you how fabulous it felt to leave my first Yelp review for someone, knowing it mattered to them.

 

Instead of listing that I’m grateful for what I do for a living, what if I proactively wrote to a particularly supportive client and thanked her for being a big part of making that possible for me. I could write to a past class that was particularly participatory and let them know I still think about them and appreciate them.

 

For the boys, who are often on my list, I started writing short notes to them about how they made me feel such love and joy that particular day. I have a box for each of them that I’m saving them in.

 

There is a significant difference between living gratitude and listing gratitude. I’m certainly not suggesting we end the lists; they can serve as reminders of all the good we’ve received. What I am suggesting is that we have fun looking for ways we can make our gratitude more meaningful to those who contribute to our lives, whether for a moment or a lifetime. You probably have so many names in your gratitude journal who have no idea how very appreciative you are for them, or maybe they don’t know what specifically it is you appreciate. There’s no better time than now to change that! 

 

What one person, right now, while you’re reading this, is coming to mind that you are especially grateful for and why? Why don’t you take a moment a call that person and tell her what you’re thinking, why you’re grateful for her? Okay, I feel some of you freaking out when I said call…so text! Or write a card to put in the mail; it’s so rare to receive a card that someone took the time to hand-write and mail, it makes it even more special. Look back at your last week of gratitude lists and get creative. See how many items you can act on that will express your gratitude in a way that fills the heart of the recipient.

 

Keep listing your gratitude, but more importantly, make sure you live it!

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With gratitude,

Amy​

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Amy Ayoub

President, The Zen Speaker