Imagine you only recently started sharing your past about your long-held secret as a trafficking victim. You weren’t comfortable enough to talk about it since you were still filled with shame. Victims are often the last to know they are victims so they blame themselves. You’ve confided in other survivors and a few professionals who advocate for this population through their therapy practice or by providing services via a nonprofit organization. The majority of your family and friends don’t know, and you certainly haven’t spoken it to more than one person at a time.
Jessica Halling (she granted me permission to use her name) doesn’t have to imagine the scene above. She lived it. After deciding to keep quiet about her past until she had her Master’s degree in social work so she could discuss it from a professional perspective in addition to her lived experience, she knew it was finally time to break her silence.
And then there we were, randomly meeting at an event on the property of UNLV, the university that had granted her a Bachelor’s Degree which paved the way for her to go on to USC for her Master’s. Do you think it was coincidence or fate that, at that moment of reckoning in her life, she met a public speaking coach who was, like her, a trafficking survivor? We believe it was meant to be, that it was fate.
It wasn’t long before she was attending my small group coaching sessions, discovering how she wanted to tell her story and how to conquer the fear around the thought of that monumental decision. She had written a poem about her time being trafficked and decided she would share it when it was time for the students to practice delivering a presentation in front of the class for feedback and support. I was sitting immediately to her left and I’ll never forget watching her left leg convulse, not merely shake, as she bravely spoke while we held our collective breath, stunned by the severe rawness of the words and the emotions that carried them to our ears and hearts.
She stopped, we exhaled and everything changed for all of us. I witnessed a level of courage I hadn’t seen before and I’ve seen a lot of examples of courage. Yes, most students are nervous and many shake or perspire when they first start out, but none before Jessica had a body part convulse in full view of the audience. And still she stood, she delivered, and she made an impact. There was an unspoken acknowledgment that her choice to break her silence would serve her and whoever hears her.
Not long after that, Jessica’s poem won the national Freedom Award in the 2019 Traffick Slam Poetry Competition and she was flown back to New Jersey to receive her honor and perform her work of art with an audience of over 400 people. Her leg shook, she told me, but it didn’t move so violently that others could see it. Speaking her shame aloud was beginning to heal the wounds and, no matter how long it took, she wouldn’t turn back now.
Earlier this month, on May 1, 2021, by request of her employer at St. Jude’s Ranch for Children in Boulder City, NV (just outside Las Vegas), Jessica Halling, MSW, stood in her glorious power and delivered her poem to an audience that audibly gasped and silently cried as she gave them a raw glimpse of what life is like when we get lost in the dark world of abuse, violence, coercion and exploitation. Because she chose to speak up, money was raised for the organization she works for, people left with a desire to help more in the anti-trafficking fight and her shame level lessened once again. Brené Brown’s words that I mentioned in my last blog once again proved to be true: “When shame is spoken, it loses its power.”
What is your deepest, darkest secret? Yes, that one. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as Jessica’s, it’s not a contest.
Shame is shame and we each describe it differently. You deserve to find a safe space where you can speak it out loud and feel the shame start draining from your long-ignored body that has held it in its care for so long. You may never speak before hundreds, and that’s okay; you’ll know what is right for you. I encourage you to speak to one safe soul at least. Freedom awaits you!
TIP: To conquer the physical manifestations of fear when you’re preparing to present in front of others, practice the Sarnoff Squeeze breathing technique, made famous by Dorothy Sarnoff, an actress from the 1950s who became a public speaking coach and wrote “Never Be Nervous Again.” There are many actions you can take to calm your anxiety; this one is the one that claims to prevent the fear-producing chemicals, noradrenaline and epinephrine, and Dorothy and I both have a long list of clients who will vouch for its effectiveness. When you use the tools you have, like this breathing exercise, you’ll build your confidence each time you speak.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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