Dear Friends,
Why is public speaking always listed in the top 3 of people’s fears? Some of the reasons given are they: fear being judged, are afraid they’ll go blank, can’t do it until it’s “perfect,” had a bad past experience, or don’t have time to prepare. In my 15 years as a speaking coach, I’ve discovered there is a deeper reason and one that can be remedied if you want it to be.
Most of us are holding shame of some kind. It can be that you stole something decades ago, failed to pass the bar exam for attorneys or the Series 7 for financial advisors the first time, were aggressively hateful to your mom, told your friend’s secret that she confided in you, or you’re hiding a behavior you know your loved ones won’t condone. If you’re speaking about being a kind and thoughtful leader, while knowing that you’re being the opposite to your mother, would you feel like a phony and wonder if others can see through your façade? If you’re discussing creating habits that propel you to success, but you know your habits failed to get you to the finish line on your test to become an attorney or financial planner, wouldn’t you feel like the poster child for imposter syndrome? And if you’re speaking about being honest and authentic while never making amends for stealing an item or someone’s trust, wouldn’t you feel like a neon sign was on your forehead, announcing, “IMPOSTER?”
There’s a phenomenon where you carry a shame that doesn’t even belong to you; it plagues your conscience, impacts everything you do, and affects how you feel about yourself. For instance, I had been trafficked as a teenager and yet I was so ashamed, I hid it for almost four decades before speaking up and releasing that shame. Why? Because I thought it was my choice, my fault, I was a bad person. Victims are often the last to realize they’re victims. Victims of rape, incest, or other sexual or physical abuse often blame themselves and end up carrying the shame that rightfully belongs to the perpetrator. When they hold that shame--even subconsciously-- it’s common to feel afraid of being exposed, and they feel very exposed and vulnerable when standing in front of a group being stared at. It’s as if they are afraid that if they relax and get comfortable with the presentation, their deep, dark secret might pop out and they’ll be ruined! This is seldom conscious; it lurks in us, stopping us from being our authentic selves that everyone urges us to be and we can’t articulate why we’re so nervous and afraid. “If they only knew,” we think.
True freedom from this fear will only come when you decide you no longer want to be held prisoner by it. It doesn’t mean you have to talk about it endlessly or publicly. It does mean you need to get it out in a safe way in a safe place in order to make room for you to be able to talk about anything without fear of being exposed. If you want to connect to others through your communication in a powerful, authentic, and conversational manner, safely speak your shame and watch the magic happen!
One step at a time, you’ll be able to conquer your shame and transform your life and the lives of others by sharing your story which gives them permission to share theirs.
In the next newsletter, we’ll begin the 12-step journey that will enable you to overcome your fear of public speaking and embrace authentic conversations, whether that’s with one person or one thousand. Even if you don’t think shame could be a reason for your fear of public speaking, these steps will allow you to become powerful and effective whenever you communicate by being calm, confident, and compelling.
With gratitude,
Amy
Amy Ayoub
President, The Zen Speaker