The Zen Speaker's Newsletter

When my client from Denmark told me she had just returned from a month in Bali and was there to enjoy Nyepi, also known as Day of Silence, I immediately wanted to book a trip for the next time that came around.

Jay Shetty shared this saying on his podcast: "We consider intention with our behaviors; we consider only the behavior of others."

 

Oh, wow, that hit home! How many times have I said, “That wasn’t my intention,” when I hurt someone’s feelings or angered them? Many. How about you?

That quote has sometimes been unattributed, wrongly attributed to Simon Sinek or Martha Beck, and often attributed to a Buddhist saying. Wherever it came from, it’s powerful. How you approach what you do in one area will usually be how you approach other areas. Think about it. If you are consistent, detailed and committed in your daily tasks, even minute ones, you most likely are the same in your overall work ethic. If you procrastinate, excuse your way through undone tasks, and find yourself overwhelmed easily, you probably are often in that chaotic state, maybe even saying, “That’s just how I am!” Another excuse. Because how you do anything is how you do everything.

I remember reading those words decades ago in one of my favorite books, Illusions, by Richard Bach. It resonated deeply then and continues to pop up as one of those seemingly never-ending lessons.

Imagine listening to someone tell a story of a traumatic situation that impacted their life without showing a bit of emotion. Serial killer material, perhaps? At the very least, if that’s how you’re telling your story, you may still be in the protection mode of disassociation and not ready to speak in a healthy, healing, heart-filled way yet. That’s okay; timing is everything.

In this week's newsletter, we'll take on the last of the 12-steps along this journey. As you learn more in these final steps, I encourage you to bookmark these pages and revisit them when you feel anxiety and shame start to creep back in.

In this week's newsletter, we'll take on the second third of our 12-step journey. It is my hope that for you build your awareness and help you take action to overcome the fear and anxiety that you may experience related to public speaking.

In this week's newsletter, we'll take the next steps on our 12-step journey that will enable you to overcome your fear of public speaking and embrace authentic conversations, whether that’s with one person or one thousand. Even if you don’t think shame could be a reason for your fear of public speaking, these steps will allow you to become powerful and effective whenever you communicate by being calm, confident, and compelling.

In this week's newsletter, we'll begin the 12-step journey that will enable you to overcome your fear of public speaking and embrace authentic conversations, whether that’s with one person or one thousand. Even if you don’t think shame could be a reason for your fear of public speaking, these steps will allow you to become powerful and effective whenever you communicate by being calm, confident, and compelling.

Why is public speaking always listed in the top 3 of people’s fears? Some of the reasons given are they: fear being judged, are afraid they’ll go blank, can’t do it until it’s “perfect,” had a bad past experience, or don’t have time to prepare. In my 15 years as a speaking coach, I’ve discovered there is a deeper reason and one that can be remedied if you want it to be.

It was now the turn of the 10th candidate to speak that day. Unimaginatively, she began as most do, “My name is Jane Doe and I’m running for Assembly District 1,000.” Why don’t they try something different to stand out from the crowd? They don’t understand that no one is listening to their first words.

Minimalism has always held an attraction for me. When I walk into a room that exudes a zen knowing of what enough is, I exhale and sink into peace.  I decided to allow myself to embrace that feeling in my home beyond the furniture, which has always negligible.  I’ve been following various minimalist’s blogs and podcasts for years, like The Minimalists (my favorite!) and Joshua Becker.

In 1996, Sarah Ban Breathnach appeared for her first time on the Oprah Winfrey Show to share about her new book, Simple Abundance. I vividly remember that show from almost 30 years ago because it started a movement. That’s when the cult of gratitude-list makers, including me, was officially born.

I saw a quote months ago that stuck with me. It read, “Be the favorite version of yourself, not the best version.” I remember exhaling as I let the words sink in.

You are a prominent representative of the organization you love and support. Your voice is important. It doesn’t matter if you are scared of public speaking—most people are until they do what it takes to act through the fear and find it soon dissipates.

Have you ever advocated for someone? Are you that person who asks, “Who do I know or what can I do to help?” when someone shares a problem? My life has been full of people like that. They aren’t always the people I expected; in fact, they are often someone I wouldn’t even have thought to ask for help. The special ones are the ones you don’t have to ask—they offer when they hear the problem, or they make sure you know to always come to them and they’ll help when they can. They make it easy to reach out.

 Three weeks ago, I woke up to some strange noise, groggily stepped into my living room and was greeted by an inch and a half of water. I was confused because the sound of water was now so loud; what could be making that much noise—the dishwasher (which I’ve never used!), the washing machine? No, it was coming from under the sink and as I opened the cabinet doors, I was soaked immediately by the water spewing forcefully right at me. I struggled to find where to turn the water off, but when I finally did, I was completely awake.

Do you believe in “what goes around comes around” or karma? If so, why not resolve to be the type of audience member you would love to enjoy when you’re making a speech or a presentation? This is one of those New Year’s resolutions you will be able to keep! 

Agree to live by these 5 simple resolutions and see how well behaved and engaged your next audience is as a result. What goes around comes around!

Dearest Santa,

Were you happy to hear I wanted absolutely nothing this year? That meant more for others, right? And more time for you to enjoy cookies and milk somewhere, right?

As I was reading my friend’s article about her new book, I had an aha moment concerning boundaries. It wasn’t anything she said specifically, it was simply being in that headspace.

After spending a week at the Deep Writing Retreat led by the brilliant author, psychologist and writing coach, Eric Maisel, at the famous Kripalu Center in Massachusetts, I’m inspired to get other retreats on my calendar. I know if I don’t, it could be another few years before I attend another one. While I enjoyed my stay and loved the writing instruction and cherished the time we spent writing, my soul is craving a silent retreat.

As I was visiting with a friend at my favorite breakfast place in Las Vegas, The Coffee Pub, another friend and the best server in the world, Lauren, overheard the part of my conversation when I said, “Be careful or you’ll end up like me in that area!” Without missing a beat, Lauren told my friend, “She’s your cautionary tale,” and we all threw our heads back in laughter.

My brilliant, talented, accomplished friend reached out to me for support as he vulnerably shared that he was scared about a presentation he was giving to a large client of his. He texted, “I’m terrified and have serious imposter syndrome kicking my ass.” I wasn’t surprised although most who know him would be.

It’s a good day at work when I cry, or at least tear up. I’ve had some great days recently as that was my reaction to several students’ presentations.

One person was doing all she could to stick to non-emotional subjects and her resistance was keeping her from being able to be completely at ease or conversational. It’s always interesting to witness this because it seems like the speaker thinks if they open up at all, their deep dark secrets will explode out from their deepest core. It’s subtle, but even those not looking for it can feel that “they’re holding back” feeling. It’s impossible to connect that way as much as you can when you aren’t afraid of being you.

When I was still shamefully hiding my secret past about being trafficked, I would often agree with friends when we talked about not having any regrets because everything we’ve done and experienced has made us the people we are today. I always knew I was lying and now that I’ve come out with my story, I feel empowered to tell the truth about regrets, also.

I’ve should on myself all my life. For the past few years, it has been, “I should have a morning practice.” It seems I’m the only one left on earth who doesn’t. A day doesn’t go by that an article doesn’t pop up in my emails or social media about another brilliant morning practice. I feel bombarded with admonitions to get up early and make sure to exercise, meditate, read something positive, take a walk, journal, write…then you can eat and go to work!

What does it mean to be relevant? About two years ago, my friend and I were talking about a mutual friend. After I filled her in on my most recent conversation with him, she said, “He was involved everywhere, but he just doesn’t seem to be relevant anymore.” For some reason I let that go without sharing my disagreement, but I thought of it often. Wasn’t he still relevant? By the definition in an article in Inc.com, it seems we’re all relevant. It stated what makes a someone relevant is “being the kind of person on whom others depend, whether for leadership, expertise, acumen, or emotional support.” Relevance is in the eye of the beholder.

I’ve often been pleasantly surprised during my years as a public speaking coach. I’ve witnessed massive transformations, indescribable courage, and heart-breaking/heart-changing stories.

But I’ve only been shocked once and that was from one of my student’s acts of kindness and generosity that still has me shaking my head when I think about it because I found it so unbelievable.  But that’s what Beverly Rogers is known for: making the unbelievable come to life.

What would you do if you received the letter below from your pest control service provider?

We weren’t close, we didn’t text each other, we went months—years really—without seeing each other. When we did connect, it was always a positive experience. I’m closer to many of his family members than I was to him and yet his death affected me. It stunned me into once again facing the reality of mortality. His death was sudden. He was working outside his home one minute and on the ground the next. Although he was rushed to the hospital, sadly, he died shortly after arriving.

Who do you think of when you read that quote? Do you think of yourself and those you have encouraged? Do you immediately think of someone who positively impacted your life by expressing faith in you?

Do any of those statements sound familiar? What if you knew that perfectionism is an excuse to protect you—would that change how you feel about it? Instead of saying it with pride, would you consider it’s a habitual excuse that isn’t serving you? In fact, it’s keeping you stuck! 

Dearest Emerson,
It’s been five months since I had to let you go and the void is indescribable. My life seems to keep rotating through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and I never know which will appear.

“How can you help me conquer my resistance to practicing my presentations?” That question was music to my ears because it meant that my client realized he was resisting, and he saw there was a benefit to preparing and practicing.

My sister often sends me articles she thinks I’ll find interesting, and I was especially thrilled to receive her most recent one because it was satisfying to my ego. It validated my aversion to PowerPoint or other slide programs where words lay lifelessly on the screen while the speaker talks, often just as lifelessly!

When I took life and business coaching classes in 2007-2008, one of the first exercises they shared was a toleration list. It helped me so much, I used it with all my early clients, and I still find it helpful which is why I recommend it to my friends, like you.

What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and had no to-do list?  I don’t mean you need to make a list; I mean you have no list. Think about it for a minute—really visualize your day. What would you do?  Really, NO list—all your calls are made, your clients are serviced, your office is clutter free.

Imagine you’ve written your speech and now you’re practicing it to make sure you’re prepared for a dynamic delivery. It’s seldom that your first rehearsal is just as you want it. How can you be confident about what to leave in and what to edit out?

Have you learned anything new lately? If so, was it intentional or one of those life lessons that seem to pop up endlessly? You know the ones! 

“I’m overwhelmed.” “That’s just how I am.” “Doing it this way works for me.” I hear these and statements like them from many of my clients. I get it. When invited—or challenged—to change long-held habits, it often seems easier to make an excuse or defend your position. I’ve noticed it happening more often lately and that might be because these past two years have been full of so many sudden, unasked for and unwanted changes.

Every Monday I receive a text from The Minimalists—they call them Minimal Maxims. This one moved me to shout, “Yes!!!” as I read it.

“When you say 'yes' to everything, you accidentally say 'no' to your own tranquility.”

The fear of public speaking is a real and prevalent feeling. It’s not the fear of speaking; we speak throughout each day. It’s the fear of being judged as we stand in front of a group of people, whether the group is small or large. Why is that? 

I got slapped in the face last week with a mirror reflecting some of my past behavior and it made me less than proud.

A person I’ve known for over 20 years messaged me to tell me she had just viewed the documentary that Robin Greenspun made about my life, The Zen Speaker: Breaking the Silence.  She went on to tell me how it will benefit others and complimented me generously. Then she told me that she hadn’t liked me, that she had found me unkind and that she even viewed me as cruel because of how I treated a friend of hers.

Shhhh. Listen. Do you hear the pain they haven’t mentioned? Do you hear the joy within their hearts?  Do you hear what they aren’t saying? 

Although I’ve loved watching the summer Olympics since I can remember, I was more excited about this one than ever before because one of the competitors is my client and friend. I haven’t had a television for years, so I watched his qualifying event the day before the finals by tuning into the livestream of his watch party.

How often are you given the opportunity to give a keynote speech? Now, how often are you asked to introduce a speaker, present an award or give a eulogy? You’re more likely to be asked to give short presentations like these than a keynote and it’s up to you to make the most of them—to make them compelling and memorable.

What makes a speaker memorable? Speakers who put as much, or more, effort into the way they will close their speech as they do into the content of it are the ones we remember.

Are you one of the many I hear from who struggles in that way?

When you’re at a networking gathering for the first time and you’re told you have 1 minute to introduce yourself, do you consider bolting from the room, certain you’ll sound like a fool?

Is there anyone in your life that, the more you get to know them, the more impressed with them you are? That’s how it is for me with Jessica Halling. She has participated in a few of my classes, we advocate against human trafficking together, she appeared in my documentary (her comments from that are often quoted), she lets me play fake aunt to her two fabulous children, and we pour our hearts out to each other, which sometimes includes tears and always ends in laughter.

12-step programs have saved and enhanced thousands and thousands of lives. There are programs for every addiction imaginable and there is definitely a need for a PowerPoint (PP) Anonymous program. Is PP dependency life threatening like other addictions? No, absolutely not. However, it can murder a presentation and keep the audience in pain and misery. We don’t want that!

When I had hip replacement surgery in 2015, I didn’t hesitate to ask for help. I live alone and knew I was going to need some assistance, especially pulling up the necessary compression socks since I wasn’t allowed to bend forward for several weeks.

The past few weeks have been filled with both new and old friendships and my heart is so full I’m dedicating this week’s newsletter to the subject of connection. 

Although many of us fell in love with working remotely and even with virtual meetings and trainings, one consistent comment was heard by almost everyone I spoke to: I miss the human connection.

As the world starts opening up again, there has been a lot of talk about beginnings—new beginnings, exciting beginnings, resolving to do things differently, deciding to live with intention, etc. This same newness, excitement and intention can be incorporated when we write and deliver our speeches. The opening of a speech needs to transmit the energy that makes listeners want to hear more.

Do any of these sound familiar? After cleverly avoiding the limelight for a lifetime, imagine you’re suddenly asked to deliver the eulogy for a loved one. Now what? This happened to a client of mine who came through one of my 4-session group classes and chose not to participate in any of the exercises. He listened, he gave feedback to the others after they delivered their practice speeches, but he wouldn’t try it for himself. About six months after the final session, he called me and said, “I wish I had participated and practiced—I have to give a eulogy for my father!”

Have you ever decided to cut your speech in half one day before delivering it? That’s exactly what I did last week (I’ll show you in a minute) as I prepared to be honored at an event in support of an organization that is near and dear to my heart.

What is your normal reaction when someone says they’re old?

When I catch myself starting to post on social media (and unfortunately, it’s sometimes after the fact) about what others should do, what they should stop doing, or why they are wrong, I reflect on this wisdom of Lao Tzu.

This past year has made it abundantly clear to me that I want to stay in closer touch with you. Beginning with this email, you'll be receiving a weekly message from me. I hope you'll let me know your thoughts.