Dear Friend,
Jay Shetty shared this saying on his podcast: "We consider intention with our behaviors; we consider only the behavior of others."
Oh, wow, that hit home! How many times have I said, “That wasn’t my intention,” when I hurt someone’s feelings or angered them? Many. How about you? I’ve also been the recipient of, “I didn’t mean to hurt you; that wasn’t my intention.” I’ve realized that what hurts is when my #1 value, respect, is being compromised in those moments. I’ve been intentionally working on keeping that value visible in everything I do.
What if we gave the other person the grace we give ourselves? Imagine someone saying something you find hurtful. Instead of feeling the sting and keeping it to yourself, what would be different if you asked yourself, “What could their intention be other than deliberately being hurtful?” Or, “I wonder what’s going on in their life that made them lash out like that.” What if you simply say, “Did you mean to hurt me by saying that?”
Much of the passive aggressive behavior we experience is because we don’t say what we’re thinking in the moment. We keep it in and then ruminate and often make up conversations that are figments of our imagination, and many times not even close to the reality of the interaction.
When you tell someone that wasn’t your intention yet don’t acknowledge the results of the way you communicated, it’s dismissive and adds to the conflict. Yes, you can declare hurting them wasn’t your intention, but it would be helpful if you added what your intention was. That could help clarify why you said it and prove that the original effect wasn’t what you meant to convey.
I have found what’s more painful than the words are the time and friendships that can be lost through misunderstanding and assuming. I have three close friends I can think of immediately that, in the past few years, went through this communication issue with me. They said several things that caused me hurt and, in each instance, I kept it in…or, I thought I was keeping it in, but it was coming out in that sarcastic, passive aggressive way that made me feel less than proud. That prompted them to be snippy right back. Of course, I didn’t think I was hurting them, too, but was only focused on my feelings.
I’m sure if you asked them, they’d tell you I said something hurtful first. None of us acknowledged the issue directly at first. Are you having flashbacks to a time this happened to you? Finally, the tension became too great, the friendship was too valuable, and we finally agreed to talk it out; in one instance, our changed energy took care of it. What a difference that made. Simply by sharing what made us feel bad, hearing the other side, and apologizing to each other, the air that had been clouded with sadness was cleared.
Life is about our relationships and it’s too short not to nurture the ones we cherish. Is there a call you can make or a text you can send today—right now—that would bring love back into your deserving life? Peace is at the other end!
With gratitude,
Amy
Amy Ayoub
President, The Zen Speaker